What I changed in draft 2 was the introduction part and thesis statement. It seemed like I have some problem about the structure of intro. Because I divided the intro into 5 paragraph, readers can not really understand what I am talking about. They even can not find out the thesis statement. Then what I did was combine 4 paragraph into 2, one was the conversation between my mon and I, another was I saw the camera. I still insist the conversation is a good opening hook, so I did not change it.

In draft 3 I decided to work on the conclusion. In my current draft, the conclusion part is only a sentence summarizes the essay. To accomplish the essay strongly, I still have a lot of work to do with the conclusion. It should be short and precise.